My will and motivation has been tested a lot in the past month. Sometimes I lost but on the days that I didn’t, I considered it a real victory. I had a few weeks there that just getting myself out the door for training felt like a chore and having something I love feel that way was awful. To me it seemed more like a test of my mental toughness than my body trying to tell me that I needed rest. I usually can tell the difference. I felt like if I gave in and stopped running, I would lose all motivation for anything. As an afterthought, I’m pretty sure I was right but I also learned that even though you are physically ok, if you emotionally aren’t…it can start to break you down physically anyway.
If you are fighting to get the fire back when it’s not currently there, you can start to question “Why am I even doing this?” “What’s the point” “What’s love got to do with it, got to do with it?” and then you start dancing and forget about things for a while cause dancing is fucking fun. I’m learning more about myself in the past year than I feel like I have in the past decade. My capacity for love, passion, drive and determination has seen just about every point on the graph, sometimes within very short time periods. The human brain and heart is actually kind of an asshole and the INTP* in me is sick of having to feel so many feelings, usually all at once.
Backing out of my upcoming and what was supposed to my first race of the season, Pueblo Marathon, was actually something I considered a few times in the past 30 days but all for different reasons. Not feeling that fire burning for it was one of them but what ended up being the final nail in the coffin was an actual injury that I didn’t feel like was worth sacrificing making worse and ruining the rest of my planned races (that I’m very much excited for). I’m not really someone that likes to give up on things before even attempting them. What running and racing has taught me though is that you have to let go of that idea once and awhile if you want to be kind to yourself and have longevity in the sport. Training and racing isn’t supposed to be about pain and suffering, although that is something that ends up happening anyway. It’s about having fun and pushing yourself and reveling in the ever changing and let’s face it, uncontrollable ride that you get to experience during the process. We probably would all just like to see positive things come from our running, or at least that’s what we think we want. I have a theory though that if all we experienced were wins and joyful moments of PR’s and gains, we likely would start losing a little bit of our drive to push ourselves. Because what is drive if it’s not a little bit of the possibility of failure? Of the wonder in seeing if we can actually do something? I know I would likely end up getting bored if every attempt I made at something was a guaranteed success. No, I don’t want failure but it’s inevitable and the idea of it is what gets us to fight just a little harder.
So here I am again, learning some lessons about myself in ways I don’t necessarily want to but don’t have a choice in the matter; and along the way I’ve discovered that love has everything to do with it.